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Jayselle

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Calling me Psycho [Apr. 15th, 2015|03:24 pm]
Jayselle
My mom called me psycho. I'll tell you what is psychotic: having to hang out with killers all my life.
I thought it was over. After all eyes on me, there are no hands.

I want to be caressed.
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Jayselle--notes to self [Jul. 18th, 2011|12:13 am]
Jayselle
Tonight a thousand lies emerged seemingly clear, and with it came an infinite cold. I see my lola in a different light, why she can sleep in her bed soundly and why she gives so much to charity. It's a conversion of the sinners to saints, the priest says, but the cold, a cold my mamang welcomed as a sign of victory, still lingered in. my. soul.
When the dogs conversation meant nothing, the echoes never caused hesitation in my finger tips, I would write and write of tales unknown of depth soothing in monotone.
Does she ever get tired of her smile? No, it's in style. Guess I'm left with gritting teeth wondering why I'm in the middle of a fashion war. I've never lived my life this way. Why it matters, I don't know.
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one with carnivorous plants [Jul. 7th, 2011|12:00 am]
Jayselle
I killed an animal today.  The flying insect I coaxed with a Shh-shh-shh into the realm of my hands, then I smashed it and realized it wasn't a mosquito, when has a mosquito ever left green guts on my palm? It left a mark, but the guilt left me as fast as the trap.
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they don't make a delete button in realtime, but if they did i'd use it. [Jul. 4th, 2011|10:32 pm]
Jayselle
I race ahead sometimes. I hate it. The embarrassment that comes with it and the screw up, and I know patience is my calling that will deliver me through this mess that I created by not. going. slow.
Enough of the current that flows in me too quickly. I say hi in a delivery too quickly and think that I'm doing right by showing what I have learned but -no-- my lack of patience makes the delivery too freaky.
"I'm sorry," I wanna say. Take back the words that made me pre-teen squeaky oh i hope my boyfriend won't see my blunder how i wish for my thunder where Was my patience then??, I wonder...
vulnerable is shameful in this sense when I knew that timing is everything.
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my inetivable demise [Jun. 21st, 2011|10:38 pm]
Jayselle
chained to a man the world deems my soul mate
i feel...close to him
and filled after we break the wretched angst with sex
yet all the voices say he's cheating
he's cheating.
on me.

i show my cousin pics of my ex
and tell her stories of how i kissed god
and ran through His version of the world
she's not a tortured soul
she seems normal, aspiring, beautiful, dark
for her age, eleven, she spirals in a league far from grasp
helping me notice the lack of warmth ive missed in my own life

but i kissed god. i saved and warned the world of unspeakable terrors
what thanks do i get?

no, as i bite my tongue for the umpteenth time
no, the gap in my teeth widens every day
but keep up. i'll smoke u with all ive done.

to be skinny again! ah, a dream very achievable
will i have loose skin? 

too many questions and quizzes
if u do this this will happen
who's the blonde whore writing on ur page
like. oh em gee. can. i. catch. ur. attention?
i cant count the number of men ive slept with on one hand.

to be well-rounded
(retard is a nickname, not a title)not an object. dont pin me in that category
retard made me push harder
retain more information
work hard
lesbian, a father's fear?
that no grandchildren would come from a man's baby shake
dont worry dad
no matter how many break my heart
girl and guy alike
i want a child
a daughter
i can teach to live in grace

can god tune me
so i'll know i'll be close to him
as close to an uncle i knew when young
will i smile. again.
as he offers me his blessings
will he hug me?
and take me as his love.
"mabuhay, amor" as he takes my hand.
"no more sorrow" ::hold::
and then i blossom.
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(no subject) [Sep. 4th, 2005|10:04 pm]
Jayselle
"When you first meet somebody, you find out they like you first of all. A friend of a friend of their's says he or she really really likes you and it floors you, kills you, sends you to the ground. You gotta pick yourself up off the ground and then you get their phone number and you call them up right and you say "Yeah that was a great phone conversation, can I see you sometime?" And then they say this, they say, "I'd like that" And "I'd like that" makes you fall on the floor again. Your heart is about to stop because of "I'd like that." Nothing feels better than "I'd like that." So now, your blood pressure's goin'. You're six feet off the ground. You can't sleep because of "I'd like that."

So then you hang out for a while and you call and you talk on the phone all the time and then you drop the bomb or what feels like the bomb. You say, "You know what? I've been thinkin about you a lot." And she goes "Haaaaugh!" And you go "What happened?" and she goes "I'm sorry. I just. I just. I just. I've been thinking about you too." BAM! Higher into the sky. But now, "I'd like that?" Done! Now you're up to "I'm thinking about you."

Then, however number of months pass, it makes you feel comfortable saying it, you say "I gotta tell you something." They go "What?" You go, "I'm in love with you." And nothing in the world sounds better than "I'm in love with you." And then maybe she starts crying or maybe he goes "Huuugh!" And then all of a sudden you're like, "I'm in." But now, what doesn't work? "I'd like that" and "I've been thinkin about you." Now we're at "I'm in love with you."

Then maybe someday we move up to "I love you."

Fast forward, now you're like "I love you a lot. I love you more than anything in life." Now "I love you" doesn't work. It's a threshold. It keeps moving up.

Fast forward like six months, six weeks, whatever the case may be. Now you're on like, "I wanna marry you. I wanna impregnate you with my love. I wanna- I wanna just send my love to you. Damn it! Words don't work anymore!" And then you say this line and you know-you know you've used this line before. "I just wish they'd put a new word in the dictionary bigger than love, cause love just doesn't describe what I feel."

And so then, now he or she starts asking "Do you love me?" And you start going, "Of course I love you." "Well say it!" And then it becomes "Say it twice" and they go "Say it three times."

And then, you cross a really interesting point, where all of a sudden it becomes "I hate you. I hate you." And you go "Oh my God, she hates me." And now it's "I hate you more than anything!" And then it's like "We're over!" And they're like "No, we're not!" And you go "Yes we are!"

And now the words completely do not work at all. You're left with nothing. You're throwing punches under water. You're done!

You know what the moral of this story if there is one? Never ever, ever, ever underestimate the power of "I'd like that.""
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